I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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