i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
