Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I can't turn off my feet"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
