How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Please don't give away my fajitas
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
