party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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