Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
