I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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