I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
