Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
