Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
