I feel great
I just peed on a car
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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