i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
