Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I need to calm my uterus...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
