i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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