I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
