im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
