im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
