when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
