Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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