Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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