You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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