Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
