I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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