I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
