i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
