he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
