guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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