oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
