I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
