Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
