is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
