Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
