omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
