found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
