My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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