drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Your penis caused this!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
