Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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