Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
