dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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