I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
