This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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