whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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