Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
