I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
