I'm gonna have a badass scar
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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