If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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