Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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