I accidentally had phone sex last night
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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