I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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