Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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