hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
